Right at this Moment

Seeing them together is like a knife to the chest, a sudden pain from wrist to heart and it’s almost more than I can stand. I press my shaking body back against the pillar, its width both hiding and supporting me, a hand to my mouth to stifle the sob trying to burst from my throat. The pain is as shocking to me as the sight of them standing too close to be anything other than lovers.

How could I have been so stupid?

I’ve built an entire relationship with him purely in my head. All those glances held for just that bit too long, the sinful smiles I thought were just for me, the tension snapping between us, nothing but a projection of my own desires. Thank god I never acted on the feelings I thought we shared.

Or maybe I waited too long. Maybe if I had acted, I would be out there on that balcony with him. I’d be the one dipping my head slightly to catch his eye as he glances at the floor, I’d be the one laying a hand on his arm, speaking softly to him.

I should leave, give them back the privacy I’ve inadvertently stolen, but I can’t look away now. I want…no…I need to see this. I need to burn an image of them together into my brain, something to beat back the feelings I know will flare the next time he flashes one of those smiles at me.

I suppose I should congratulate Rodney for his victory in a battle he didn’t even know he was fighting.

The slow slide of McKay’s hand up John’s arm seems to snap the Colonel’s control and he twist’s his hands in the scientist’s jacket, pulling him into a bruising kiss. Even from this distance I can see the desperation in my military commander’s movements as he seems to be trying to crawl inside Rodney.

And Rodney takes it. He stands as a lightening rod for all John’s fear and hurt, letting it flow out of the soldier and harmlessly to earth. The man who I thought was too self-centered to notice anyone else’s pain, calmly raises one hand to the back of John’s head, settling the other at the small of his back, pulling the Colonel tight into his body. I can see him take control of the kiss, see John relax into the support offered by the shorter man and I’m sure I almost hear the moan coming from the soldier’s throat.

I should be jealous of Rodney, after all he has the man I thought I was destined to be with, but I find I’m not.

John’s hands are still clutched to Rodney’s chest, arms crushed between their bodies, his head angled in the firm grip of the scientist’s hand and I crave that kind of strength. Someone to hold me, protect me, free me from being the one in charge, the one who keeps it all together, who makes the hard choices.

And that would be another thing that I’d be expecting from John if my imagined romance were real. Another burden he’d have to bear along with everything else I and the rest of the city rely on him for. Instead John is letting go of the horror of yet another really shitty day on Atlantis, while I’ll be returning to my dark quarters alone to remember lost colleagues and friends.

Right at this moment I’m more jealous of John Sheppard than I’ve ever been of anyone in my entire life.